A withered old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor.

With great difficulty, he slowly lifted himself onto a bar stool and ordered a hot fudge sundae.

“Crushed nuts?” the waitress asked kindly.

“Actually,” he said, “it’s athritis.”

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Upon learing that her grandfather had just passed away, Sue paid a visit to her 90 year-old grandmother to comfort her.

When she asked how her grandpapa had died, her grandma replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love yesterday morning.”

Shocked, Sue told her grandma that having sex at their age would be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear, ” replied grandma. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells were ringing. It was just the right rhythm – slow and even. Nothing too strenuous. ‘In’ on the ‘Ding’ and ‘out’ on the ‘Dong’.”

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”

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A 66 year-old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her daughter’s bedroom. She opened the door to find her 40 year old daughter pleasuring herself with a vibrator.

“What are you doing?” asked the mother.

“Mom, I’m 40 and look at me! I’m fat and ugly and I’ll never get married, so this is pretty much my husband.”

The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the same bedroom and like his wife, found his daughter using the vibrator.

“What the hell are you doing?” he asked.

His daughter replied, “I already told Mom. I’m already 40 now and I will never get married, so this is as close as I’ll ever get to a husband.”

The father walked out of the room shaking his head.

The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching a football game on TV.

“What on earth are you doing?” she cried.

The husband replied, “What does it look like I’m going? I’m having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!”

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A man came home from work early one day, and found his wife naked and panting on the bed.

“Honey,” she said, thinking quickly, “I think I’m having a heart attack!”

As he was rushing to call an ambulance, he almost stumbled over his crying five year-old, who told him that there was a naked man in the closet. He ran to the closet, opened the door, and saw his best friend.

“Damn it, Derek” he shouted, “Julie’s having a heart attack and here you are scaring the hell out of the kids!”